Tawnia

“Here I am
Floating in emerald sea
Keep me dancing
Keep me as still as can be
And I try to keep the balance right
And I try but it feels like wasted time”

I wish I could experience complete silence again. No hissing or buzzing. At least for a day. At least for a little while, just to remember what it's like. I think it's getting worse. Life weirds me out with its conditions.
Breakthrough
I had a weird dream about my brother last night, and today he had called me (something he almost never does). I called him back, and we ended up having a pretty lengthy peer support session over our experiences growing up in our family.

At the end of the call he told me he loved me and that I'm dear to him (something he has never said to me before), and I said I love him too (I've said it once years ago), and I could hear his voice crack when he said he has to end the call. I've never heard or seen him cry before. I've never witnessed any tender emotions from him before. It was new and weird, but it made me feel closer to him.

In the dream I'm walking in the most dense snow storm at dusk. It's so thick and white that everything I walk into comes as a complete surprise and almost too late. The path is faint, sometimes I can see foliage around me – I'm in a forest – sometimes absolutely nothing, but for some reason I know where to go. My brother is following me on horseback. I see a dark figure in front of me and it scares me. It looks like it's wearing a cloak. Then it's gone. I tell myself it might've just been my brother getting ahead of me.
I come out of the storm into bright light, and what looks like an idyllic fishing village. I call my brother on the phone and tell him I've lost him. He says to me: "I must have taken a different path, a darker path", and the dream ends.

Emotional trouble
I keep having difficult conversations with my friend about our relationship. It's weird and complicated. We used to be lovers. Haven't been in years. But he's all I see when I think about my future, and that means a lot to me. He's not capable of the things I wish for. He says he can't handle my emotions. He's troubled and lost. My relationships keep disappointing me. I make weird decisions. I have to learn to choose better.
Mixed feelings

I spent the entirety of yesterday and last night building websites. Physically I felt terrible, but mentally? Well, I wish I didn't have to take care of my body. At 7 am I could've kept going if I my body wasn't so tired. My mind was racing.

I neglected my nutrition and sleep. I was hooked on the dopamine from hyperfocus. I haven't felt this excited about anything in years, and I want to hang onto whatever gives my time this much purpose. It's amazing. I'm so happy, and I want to take this further. I want to learn more.